"7 Offensive Holiday Cards"
Product feature created in collaboration with Tender Loving Empire as part of the 2016 holiday season
The holidays can bring out the extremes in us all—from goodness and compassion to sheer excruciating freak out. Oh and did you get your cards written and sent weeks ago, or still planning to get around to it? ARRRGHHHHH!!!
TLE is proud to have our own bundle of madness in Nicki Yowell, who comes to us by way of Chicago's renowned Quimby's alternative bookstore. You can generally find her at our downtown store, helping customers and planning literary events. To keep herself sane this time of year she keeps an eye out for funny cards. Here are seven of her favorites from this holiday season.
7 OFFENSIVE HOLIDAY CARDS
1. Vintage Santa Next Year Card, AardvarkApparel, $3.15
Jeez, Santa, cut a fallible human a break, am I right? Who is really, truly, essentially good, after all? With a new year brings a new promise to, hopefully, finally, completely get your life on track. Call out that uncouth best friend or lackadaisical in-law with this not-so subtle yuletide message from Zazzle. Honestly, (looks around room) who is Santa to judge? I'm guessing those rosy cheeks are warmed by a little more than Christmas cheer, (cough EGG NOG cough MULLED WINE cough).
2. Holiday Mary/Joseph Card, Sapling Press, $5.00
Well, we were all thinking it already....Sapling Press went ahead and said it for us. In gorgeous letterpress text and on 100% cotton tree-free paper, nonetheless. This hypothetical manger missive will hit the right note for anyone hoping to be at least mildly blasphemous and pleasantly cheeky this advent season.
3. Snarky Hanukkah Card, Snarky Cards, $6.00
Pass the challah, fire up the menorah and get mad reverent for the festival of lights. Tell them how you really feel about their coolness with this hand-painted Snarky Card bursting with the right kind of kitsch. You might get bubkes in return for your sentiment but 'tis the season to lighten up like the good Maccabees would want.
4. Get Jolly Card, Egg Press, $5.00
From the darkest of remote villages to the brightest of big cities, folks are gathering around the true aqua vitae of the season. No, not the milk of human kindness... why alcohol, of course! This card from Egg Press doesn't pull any punches about, well, spiking the punch. Pairs well with a heaping helping of Aunt Wanda's favorite adult beverage and Cousin Gary's moonshine. Cheers!
5. Awkward Holiday Card, Emily McDowell Studio, $4.50
Put the ambivalence back into the holiday season, (assuming it went anywhere,) with this brutally honest greeting from Emily McDowell. Your sister might be dashing through the snow with Kyle from HR and the triplets but maybe it's time to blow up the idea of the nuclear family holiday card. After all, who really has time to sew snowflake appliques to their partner's vest or wrangle the pugs for a portrait session?
6. Leave Me the Fuck Alone Christmas Card Set, The Lovely Ugly, $22.00
If the holidays make you want to scream "GTFO" like a heathen banshee, this card set from the Lovely Ugly is for you. Featuring screen starlets the likes of Elizabeth Taylor, Bridget Bardot and more, shout your holiday salutation from the rooftops into the warmed chimneys of your cozy, obnoxious neighbors. Make sure to send with a commemorative stamp and a Poinsettia plant before you make your way into that snow-covered bunker to wait the season out.
7. Christmas Bells Card, Aviate Press, $5.00
Hey, Church of the Emancipated Lady of the Blood of Saints, could you tone that Pachelbel's Cannon rendition down a tad? Your belltower is within earshot and, believe me, my ears are ringing. And I don't think it's angels singing. Between sweet children belting out carols and volunteers vigorously ding-a-linging outside the big box store, this time of year is, maybe not so great for those of us with all of our hearing. Strap on the soundproof fluffy earmuffs and, when you get the knowing cringe, pass this card from Aviate Press their way. Tis the season to share the pain.